ECHO AT 4 MONTHS

 CAN 

YOU

 EVEN

HANDLE THIS?

Echo loves her mama. We have many private inside jokes, me and E. For example, while I was taking these I had the thought of taking some pictures of her in the buff, like you do. I snapped a picture and looked to see a lava flow of poo pouring out of her. I respect my sweet baby too much to put those pictures up...but not enough not to tell on her on the internet apparently.

Echo's pastimes include lunging towards her Sophie Giraffe, putting her entire fist in her mouth, perfecting her "happy baby" pose, rolling over and never ever ever blinking.

She weighs in at a perfect 11.9 lbs and stands 2 feet tall! She's a pipsqueak and a cuddlebug and is universally adored.

SO LATELY

I feel like every single one of my days is exactly the same. I need to stretch my bloggy fingers and document even the seemingly mundane, because I know there are hidden memory treasures in there.

PAR EXEMPLE:

Let us travel back a moment to May 30. Echo at 3 months old cooing and having a jolly old time...until I broke her leg. Not really, but long story short we spent a good few hours in the hospital with Casper the Ghost down there who's leg popped out of the socket and then right back in.

June 3 we attended a crossing over ceremony for our little friend in the boy scouts. I was playing with a friends baby, the colossal Daxton, and stood right up and threw out my back. I was in pain that evening and the next day but good grief the night after that was RUFF. Having now experienced natural child birth I can fully say that intense back pain is right up there with the worst of it. I also think that after years and years and years of assuming I have a low pain tolerance and am a full fledged wimp....I think I might have been wrong. I think I may be a grin and bear it kind of girl after all. The things you learn about yourself. 

Anyway, I couldn't sit in a chair, sleep on my bed or walk. Jared was lifting me when I needed to stand and half carrying me from room to room. He dressed me and got me to the doctor. My wonderful Grammie let us camp out at her house for a few days, and my mother-in-law dropped everything in a moment to come and sit with Echo for over an hour in a parking lot. Family is the best! I am just now, 3 weeks later, getting back to my old self. The pain traveled from my back to my hips and legs and now I can feel it slowly dissipating. 

Jun 16 Echo turned 4 months old. One thing that is continually mind blowing is how quickly she learns and grasps concepts. I see her practicing something, concentrating so hard on the toy in front of her with her eyes crossed and brow scrunched, and then one day the little light bulb just goes off and she grabs that sucker! And puts it in her mouth and munches on it! Other updates include sucking on her toes all day long, laughing at kissy noises, loving books and being read to, and rolling over! On June 18 she rolled over and I swear it felt like your team just won the world series. I was on pins and needles watching her try and fail again and again to get over her shoulder and then she did! 

This little light of mine...

RUNNING UP THAT HILL

Life is a treadmill and I haven't quite found my stride. Of course, it's not a real treadmill because I am still rocking a whole bunch of post-baby pudge. I'm about to sing a song that a million other women sing every day to themselves. They chant the same monotone tune as they make their daily rounds. They hum with me, and under their breath sing "I miss my baby, I miss my husband, I miss my freedom, I miss my body, I love my life" again and again.

In the earliest hours I wake up to Echo hooting softly from her crib. Homegirl is usually starving and nurses like she has never nursed before. She's 11 lbs now, and 3.5 months. A skinny string bean baby, usually she only wakes up once to eat around 4 am, but lately she'll throw in a second round at 5 just for fun. I wonder if she just wants me to hold her a little bit more. I miss you too, E.

Around 7 am, if I'm lucky, the hooting begins again. I am greeted by a huge smile as Echo lays there looking at her hands and feet stuck straight in the air. The smiles are the best. They change her entire face, and I think she got her daddy's fantastic grin along with everything else. She is so exuberantly alive in the early morning. Glowing almost. I feed her and change her and we hang out for a bit before I wake Jared up and hand her over. I get ready for the day, prepare Echo's bottles, and run in to smooch those cheeks every 2-3 minutes.

Work, where I keep a part-time job of carefully saving milk in small plastic baggies.

After work, I spend a solid 30 minutes kissing the baby and playing with her on the couch. Zoom her around to play airplane. Clock some tummy time. Grill Jared about his day. I am starving for them, But by 7 Echo is ready for bed. Rock her and nurse her. One arm swings wildly. Fretting commences. She holds my hand close to her face like a tiny gypsy palm-reading. She knits her brow and sucks her paci furiously, she grunts and moans. She passes out and I put her into her crib.

Laundry or bust. Clean all the pump parts. Clean up from dinner. Who even knows where the vacuum is. Try and catch up, try and catch up, try and catch up. For once I'm actually separating the colors from the whites, mainly because there's so much of both why not. Oh we have a dog? Oh yes, hi Gill I remember you. No you may not have Sophie the Giraffe.

Is this boring? It's life. It's real. I miss blogging but I can't find the right place for it yet. Isn't motherhood supposed to turn me into one of those mommy bloggers? I am really trying.Not for the mommy blog thing, I think that just happens no matter what. I am so happy. I don't want to miss out. I feel guilt. I feel peace. I feel fulfillment and emptiness at the same time. The working mom song. Can someone please teach me the right tune?

MOTHERS DAY AND WORKING OUTSIDE THE NEST

I have a lot to write. I took it easy these past 3 months, powering through the dreaded/lauded/terrifying/spiritual/uplifting/butt-kicking/endlessly lovely "fourth trimester." Echo and I. We conquered breast feeding, gas pains, bed time and a tight little 3 hour schedule. My little family conquered a first plane ride and a second, Washington DC, solo date nights, baby wearing, stroller walking and recently spit bubble blowing.

And then it was Mother's Day and the capstone to my 3 month maternity leave. My last day as a full time stay at home mama. What a joke, right? And it was so hard. It is hard. I got my freak outs out of the way (for now) and I truly enjoy my job, but good grief. The band-aid method is a hard one. I feel like I have a phantom limb. An achey feeling in my arms and my heart. I have not worn eyemakeup in 5 days. But again and again I feel the whisper in my heart and mind that I can choose. I can choose to be miserable or cheerful. I can choose to be proud of myself for providing for my family, choose to flex and use my brain working outside the home, choose to even enjoy my baby free hours, knowing she is well taken care of. Or I can choose depression and ingratitude and misery. So I am working on it. When I climb the stairs, hauling a breast pump 3 times a day I work on it. And when I get a frantic text from Jared that she will. not. nap. I am working on it. And when I go home and my baby snuggles me, really snuggles her mama, I am working on it.

MOVE ME, MOZART

Echo is so tender. Before I started taping she was just staring into the distance with tears welling up in her eyes. I've never seen her react like this to music before.




Besides my adorable and extremely cultured child, I too have felt a bit tender as of late. I have a little less than a month until I return to work and its hard to think about. I have enjoyed this time with my daughter more than I ever could have imagined. That transition is gonna be rough, no matter how I look at it. I feel a peace around it, I know its the right decision and things will work out, and I am trying to hold that in my mind as much as I can.

I've also been a bit scatterbrained. I've always been absentminded. At work I make meticulous TO DO lists every day to keep track of all my projects. Sticky notes abound! Echo and I obviously have a much looser agenda, but its getting kind of ridiculous. I lost my keys over a week ago and I am pretty sure they evaporated. Attempting to make cookies I lost count of the flour, and we are talking 2 1/4 cups here. This morning I attempted to wash my hair and it just would not sud up! I tried 3 times, squeezing a little more shampoo out each time until realizing oh wait...thats conditioner. -___- Mom life? Brain mush? New normal?

I've started jogging again. I have exactly 1 pair of pre pregnancy pants that fit me, 1 skirt, and almost no shirts. A solid 20 lbs to lose. The nightmare of wearing a pencil skirt is haunting me more then I would like to admit. The jogging makes me feel good. If I boast about it to you, I apologize, but it really does help! Letting people know I am working out makes me feel a little more accountable. At these moments I am also incredibly grateful for my natural birth. It is such a source of strength. A 5k? I can train for a 5k - I pushed a baby out in a tub! If only this worked the same way for my willpower when it comes to food. Must stop chowing down like a pregnant lady with wild abandon!

What a riveting blog post, I know. I was listening to the radio and there was an interview with author Heidi Julivits. She had just published a diary that has come out to rave reviews and was working on another. A caller asked if she ever felt tempted to embellish her personal life, knowing that she would at some point publish what she was writing to make it more exciting or interesting. She said this (paraphrased)

 "For better or for worse, my life is not filled with a lot of drama...I'm coming from a space where most of the time I work and take care of my kids. I was trying to find a space where I could make each one of my days have some value...It could feel a little bit bland, and I wanted to take what might be inherently bland and give it value, while honoring the fact that its just a regular old day."

I feel the same way. These moments with Echo and Jared and little ol Gill are so important to me. Do you ever stop and look around and think "Wow, are these my glory days?" The last couple of years have felt like the best of my life, and the present is so deliciously vibrant and fulfilling and stressful and exciting and sometimes crazy boring. I want to honor that and remember that....so I write, and I record, photograph and do whatever else I can to remember watching my sweet girl crying over beautiful music.