Are you afraid?

I've always been an "I have to go home" girl. I called my parents at midnight from sleep-overs, I had terrible stomach ache's the day before the presidential fitness run.

I've been thinking lately about how fear can dictate your life. In the past, I was never really a driven person. Success in school came easy to me, and I didn't have the real home support to pursue any dreams I may have had. I didn't try out for plays because I was afraid I would fail, I didn't join student government or write for the paper because it was easier not to, and no one would want to listen to my opinions anyway, would they?

I made a conscious decision to change this about two years ago.  It became important to me to start saying yes. Not just yes, but YES. To look for opportunities and then go and get them. The difference in these past few years and the ones before them are striking. I became a happier, healthier and more positive person.

Lately I've felt myself slipping back into old habits. I find myself staring at the mirror and not liking the extra 10 lbs, but not working out regularly either. I stress and worry myself sick over job opportunities, but am I really working my absolute hardest where I am right now? No. I'm probably not.

It's tiring to give your all, but it's so rewarding. I want to rededicate myself to being truly me, to not settling. To having big dreams. Here I go.

Mix Tape Tuesday

This ep of mix tape is dedicated to lady mullets and sweet sweet harmony. I want to write a love letter to Mountain Man. How about this?

Piercing voices search.

They find one another and

Lift to soaring heights

You are now encouraged to write your own haiku's and leave them for me.

When I Grow Up

I've toyed with the idea for years of being an event planner, in fact that idea is what really pushed me to switch my major from journalism to public relations. Who doesn't love a good party? I love the brainstorming, planning, crafting and happiness that goes into putting on a special event. My friend Danielle, an interior designer, and I like to talk about starting a business one day. We've been thinking more and more about it lately, and while neither of us is remotely ready to kick-start a business (unless someone wants to chip in some seed money?), we do need experience.

If anyone would like help planning their upcoming birthday, wedding, anniversary, baby or bridal shower, please let me know. You provide a budget, and we'll work pro bono to build our portfolio.

Awkward and Awesome!

Awkward

•  Strutting into the office and having a woman tap you on the shoulder, whispering "Psssst, your spanks are showing!"  -_____-
• Burning the shiz out of a Crockpot meal.
• Bike riding in a pencil dress and platforms. (I cycle to work)
• The 12 yr old I awkwarded for not liking The Beatles calling me out. "I saw your blog post Sister Alexander." (Hi Lena)
• My lousy blogging this week. Sorry y'alls, my laptop is on the fritz.

Awesome

• Snagging that dress I was lusting after, 50% off. Praise be. 
•  Memorial day and all the accompanying sales.
• Monday night yoga at UNF. Who wants to come and stretch it out with Birdwell and I, for free?
• Tennis
• That awesome art installation in the bottom of my building.  
• Double awkward awesome this week

One Hundred Tiny Sail Boats

Some people claim that Jacksonville has no culture. Sometimes some people is me. A lot of the time actually. There are opportunities here if you look. Right now, in the bottom of the EverBank building in Riverside, there is an installation. I mosied down during lunch time and I was incredibly impressed. Here are some pictures of my favorites. The exhibit ends soon, so go and see it. It's free!

 This was my favorite part of the exhibit. You walk up, turn the crank, and watch two little balls travel the mousetrap. 

There are lots more awesome things to see at the installation, including a canoe where you are encouraged to leave your mark. When you visit, try and find my secret message.

Mix Tape Tuesday: Sasspot edition

If there's one thing I both love and loathe, it's sass. It both enrages and compels me. I myself have been described as quite sassy, both out of love and rage. I even once had a rat named Sassy, but that is neither here nor there, bless her.

This song, Petition by Tennis is my new sass anthem. Alaina Moore's voice is on POINT. I love the chorus and the little growl in her. Download the whole album (pay close attention to the song Robin, what does it remind you of?) and play it really loud in your car or when you're cooking dinner. One comment on this song says "she has something that women, certainly something" and good grief she DOES.

Awkward and Awesome: New York Edition

Crappy picture of a beautiful thing.

There were so many awkward moments on my trip I can't even tell you. Or I guess I can...

Awkward

• Trekking around Flatiron in 5 inch platforms. I got cocky in my heels folks, I got sassy. But those streets owned me. Never again. 
• Sweaty feet in those said pumps. Toe gripping was futile, heel slips were frequent. I had to adopt a weird marionette-like gait in order not to pull a Cinderella every few steps. 
• The guy next to me who ate dried shrimp chips the entire plane ride, licking his fingers after every bite. Eat whatever you like on the ground sir, but please have respect for recycled air. 
• Turning on the jets in the tub and water literally spraying all over the walls and cabinets, soaking the floor. Woops.
• Explaining to someone, "It's called a  Croque Madame because the egg on top looks like a boo-.....boob. The french, right? Heh...heh"

Awesome

• Hotel bed all to myself. I normally sleep with a grown man in a double bed. Good thing I like him, that's all I can say. 
• Game of Thrones. Half way through the first book and I'm hooked. 
• Sitting at a round-table discussion with people from big huge firms and finance companies (AmEx, Mastercard etc), and being able to hold my own and even lead the discussion at one point.  Pyew! Pyew! Pyew!
• Hill Country Chicken and its Boylan soda fountain. Yes this means unlimited fountain Cream Sodas. 

New York State of Mind

I spent a few days this week in NYC on a short business trip. After landing, I was picked up in a big black escalade by a Russian man. After being briefly frightened that I was being kidnapped, we talked about the New York Rangers. Thank you Jared for educating me on hockey, we had a nice banter going. 

These are a few of my favorite things

1 French Connection 2 Target 3 ModCloth 4 ModCloth 5 Warby Parker 6 Sephora

I have been keeping this little wish list in my head for the past few weeks. Every time I day dream about our upcoming trip to San Francisco, I picture this awesome striped midi dress, a vintage silk scarf and a straw hat that actually looks good on my gigantic head. Wedges for walking all day and not looking like a stump, some new cat eye glasses for sass (and because the previously mentioned big head syndrome has stretched out my old ones), and the perfume I've been coveting for many moons. I'll be doing some serious thrifting in the next few weeks for some of these items. Otherwise, donations are being accepted.

Awk & Awes

Awkward

• Jared opens the medicine cabinet and my earring comes flying out, plop, right in the commode and into the little hole that shoots water. The plan for retrieval was ingenious, but someone needs to work on his reflexes. RIP earring.
• Cover letters. Seriously, what the heck am I supposed to say?
• Going on 4 months without a haircut. My head looks like a weeping willow. 
• Taking a little chip out of the toe of my brand new nude patent pumps on the VERY. FIRST. WEAR.  I admit, I am a spilled milk crier, this got me bad.

 Awesome

• In New York City today on a grown-up lady business trip, right meow! Today! This instant!
• Anthropolgie's annual spring sale and the lovely dress I scored!
• Anthro reward cards! You can do in-store returns and price adjustments without a receipt, you get a birthday discount, two free shippings a year and first looks at new items. And it's free. And its a pretty chartreuse. And it isn't a credit card.

Mountain Goats

Becky Jump, Tomb Raider

Monday night Jared and I went rock climbing with our friend Becky and new friend Shanna at The Edge Climbing Gym. As stated previously, I am not exactly athletically inclined. This was my second time climbing, and I was surprised to find that this time was way easier and more fun than the first. Of course I did scrape my elbow on the wall and get some gnarly bruises on my shin, but that's really par for the course at this point.

Mix Tape II

Is it Mix Tape Tuesday? I don't know, I don't know, but I'm feeling sort of sappy, and the only way I can say I love you to the world is through song. Please indulge me, I got to work an hour and a half early this morning, it's quiet and gray outside, it's been raining for two days over here in Riverside.

 Track 1: Old Friends/Bookends- Simon and Garfunkel

"Can you imagine us years from today, sharing a park bench quietly,
How terribly strange to be seventy.

Old friends, memory brushes the same years, silently sharing the same fears."

And then the dissonance that leads into Book Ends. Good grief. I just listened to these two songs four times.

More rainy day tunes after the jump. Please nobody fall into a pit of despair.

Dance, Magic, Dance

My whole life I wanted magic. I wanted there to be some kind of cheat, you know? There had to be something fantastic out there I was missing. I never got too sucked in. I was more Bright Eyes than Kitty, and spells really weren't my forte. But psychics? That intrigued me.

A few years ago I was visiting Philadelphia and I got my palm read. The woman grabbed my hands and stared into my 19 year old face. Her daughter, laying on the carpet next to us, stared at me too. She said you will be happy. You will grow old and have children. You will be well educated.

"Oh, and that big change you had recently? What was it? Did you move, did you get a new job?"

"It was a boy"

"Forget him. Move on. He's no good."

Jump to 21. A friend and I were stuck in Palm Coast for the summer and bored out of our minds. We passed a magic store next to the old Picture Show III. Going in we find your usual dream catchers and wolf tee shirts. It smelled like patchouli and we nudged each other with elbows as we looked at the wands and the "My other car is a broom" bumper stickers. Low level pagan stuff, an apothecary in the back.

The woman who owned the shop, long gray pony tail, pallid skin, offered to do our numerology. We sat down and she told my friend Aria, a women's study major at a liberal arts college that doesn't give out grades, that she was made for science. She also probably loved travel so she should look into being an astronaut.

Then she turned to me. I gave her my birthdate and some other facts I can't remember now. She told me I was very very shy. She told me I never spoke out of turn or gave my opinion. "Work on that," she said. She then told me I was a dancer and should pursue that.

Aria and I laughed all the way home.


This isn't a post on how wack-a-doodle Wiccans are. If you believe in the beauty of nature, and that everything has a spirit and a place in this Earth, more power to you.

To me, these stories are what I think of when times get a little rough. There are no cheats! People can do hard things and they don't need magic. They have something more then that- they have intelligence and gut instinct. It's got me this far and I'm sure it will bring me further still I get my magical fix playing Pottermore.

Pictured above is the cute boy the psychic told me to forget. I married him anyway.

Teen Dream

For an hour and a half you stand. You've got some dumpy hipster with a Ramona Quimby haircut and sallow skin trying to get fresh and weasel her way closer to the stage. There's a weird old man in a bowling shirt standing on the fringe, eying sweet young things. A hippie couple is clutching each other tight, completely out of their brains; the girl looks like Esmeralda and her seven-foot tall boyfriend has a rat tail. They sway and lay their heads on the shoulders of strangers.Your skin is sticky and your knee ache. You say "Never again. I'm a balcony girl now."

The Weekender part II: Is this a thrift store?

One of my great loves in life is a thrift store. I love the racks of old clothes and flea bitten wigs on mannequin heads. I love the mix of hipsters and old people you find inside. I love creepy baby dolls, weird chatchkes and forgotten vhs tapes. When I first met Jared he had never been to a thrift store. Actually, I took him to Ross once, and as we walked in he said "So, this is a thrift store?". But I am converting to my ways. Can anything beat scoring a great vintage dress or suitcase or tee shirt for a few bucks? I don't think so my friends. We went to The Thrift Store, the mecca of Jax thrifting, this past weekend and came home with a sack full of loot for 20 dollars. Pictured after the jump are my personal favorites:

Awkward and Awesome Thursday

Awkward

• This picture. Just call me The Unsinkable Kipin Alexander.  
• Absentmindedly grabbing your big ol water cup, taking a swig, and finding it filled with 2 day old flat Fresca. I am disgusting.
• Major wipe out on my bike while riding to work. No explanation needed. 
• Having the privilege of introducing a 12 year-old to the Beatles, only to be told "Ugh this is terrible, this is so cheesy." Have you no soul?
• Printing pictures for silhouettes, and accidentally printing 5 full pages of your friends cat. "Why are there a bunch of cat pictures in the recycle pile?"

Awesome

• Knowing that no matter how terrible your day was, you always have your best Bird friend to lean on and make you feel better. 
•  Wiping out on your bike, and having 3 different people offer to help you up. Chivalry is not dead, y'all. 
• Snack sized chocolate frosties. 
• Sun's game, Beach House and TPC this week

Live your Life. Live your Life. Live your Life.

Maurice Sendak has died. If you want to listen to something truly tragic, listen to his last Fresh Air Interview on NPR. That deep old man sadness gets me man, its gets me. I hope he has found  peace in death. I look at someone with such beauty and sensitivity and creativity within themselves, and I see God. Yes, I see God in "Where the Wild Things Are". I see him in simple prose and weird monsters. I see God in all things intelligent and lovely and pure.

I personally believe that we exist before we come to this earth and after we leave it. I know many, many people who don't share this belief. Maurice Sendak definitely didn't. A sadness and disparity in death is apparent not only in his interviews but his work. What did the Wild things say? “Please don't go. We'll eat you up. We love you so.” This doesn't mean all atheists are depressed, I don't think Mr. Sendak was.
I will never preach to my friends, I will never look down my nose at them and scoff at their disbelief, because I know it's hard. I know it's hard to fathom or suspend what we know as reality. Faith is no cake walk....or maybe,for some, it really is. Those outliers who are full of holiness and purity and diligence, and on the other end those who are not questioners,  who take what is given to them and accept it and move on, never making a wave. I know that people sometimes look at what I believe and say 'ridiculous', 'preposterous'. I see the bravery in a non-believer, and I hope people can see the bravery in believing.

I am not a blind follower and I am no angel. I am inquisitive and mischievous. But I have searched, and I have found faith. What's more, I have seen the difference in a faithless life and one full of hope. I have seen it change me and my disposition. I have felt a oneness with the Spirit and I have gained a knowledge that this life is not the end.

This post doesn't really have a true goal. I'm not trying to prove any points, just rambling on about what I really do believe in.

This quote kills me

“I have nothing now but praise for my life. I’m not unhappy. I cry a lot because I miss people. They die and I can’t stop them. They leave me and I love them more. … What I dread is the isolation. … There are so many beautiful things in the world which I will have to leave when I die, but I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready.”

—	Maurice Sendak on Fresh Air in 2011.

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It's my birthday too, ya

Lately everything around me has been falling apart. My car is on the fritz, there's a leak in our apt ceiling and most recently my laptop has fallen into a coma. I had been planning for a month to make a video card for Jared's birthday. I sent out requests for video to old friends and family. Of course, as soon as I got the videos my laptop died. BUT I would not be thwarted! After a lot of frustration, I was able to craft a slightly less then awesome version of what was in my head. It isn't perfect, but Jared loved and appreciated it just the same. Thanks so much to those who helped me out!PS, disregard the first 7 seconds, it completely cut out what Lucas was saying for some reason.

The Weekender Pt I

This weekend was about balance. Saturday we got up and thrifted for an hour and went golfing for four. That seems about even steven right? Well, regardless, any day with Dreamette is a good day in my book, and it was his birthday week. I'm putting in a jump because there's about to be a lot of pictures up in here.

Mix Tape I

One of my favorite memories took place a year and a half ago. Jared returned from his mission and immediately got jury duty. He had only been home a week! Before he came home, I bought tickets to see one of our favorite bands, Vampire Weekend. His last day of jury duty we jumped in the Contour (rest her soul), grabbed our friend Mitchell and drove 90 the whole way to Orlando to make it there on time. The windows were down and the music was cranked as loud as possible to overpower the roaring. I remember getting to City Walk and running down the main strip to get in before the opening band started.

This summer I want to see as many concerts as I can!

Anyone who knows me knows I adore making mix cds. They are a labor of pure bliss and joy. I also think its nice to listen to a cd once and awhile and take a break from the billion decision box which is your iPod. I wish I could make a mix tape for all 4 of you reading this, but I can nay, so after the jump I've got my summer playlist.

Awkward and Awesome Thursday

Stealing an idea from one of my favorite blogs, The Daybook.

  

Awkward

•  Interning for ONE YEAR and still getting asked "Wait...who are you?"
•  Minding your own business, flossing at your desk, when you look up to see eyes peering at you. Ya, I'm keeping up with my dental hygiene, keep walking. 
•  Step 1: See your champion husband lifting weights in the living room. 
• Step 2: Pick up your own 3 pounders and start squat pressing up a storm. 
• Step 3: Get immediately defensive when said husband critiques your form, start throwing around words like "Jillian Micheals" and "Shredding". squat press more out of spite.
• Step 4: Have immediate excruciating back pain which lasts for 2 days.  
• Touché, Birdwell. 

 Awesome 

•  Cinco de Mayo lunch at work and home made salsa!
•  Celebrating my dear Bird's Twenty-third. 
•  West Elm design dollars
•  A fresh dye job. No more reverse ombre nastiness! Jon Freda makes an awfully good colorin' foam y'all. 
• Week two of the Alexander's First Year journal. (which none of you will be reading)
• Having friends who I can talk to at length about next to nothing. That is a privledge not to be taken lightly! 

Stuck in the middle

I've been in limbo for a while now. My job has me in a corner and there's really nothing I can do about it. I've been with the company for almost two years, and in my current position for one.

Let me repeat that. I am a twenty-three year old college graduate that has been interning for over a year.

Those who know me have heard my sob story a million times. The promise of a full time position is often dangled in front of me like a carrot. Every time it seems almost in grasp, it's jerked away. The one holding the fishing pole isn't jerking in a cruel way. It's more of a "Oh look over there! Something very important! That needs my full attention!", and the carrot drifts away, bobbing behind, forgotten.

I often get caught up in the stress this brings me, but when I really look at where I'm at, I have to laugh. I have a JOB. I have a job in SOCIAL MEDIA. And most importantly, my family is taken care of! I eat! Sometime I have cheese crackers and a packet of oatmeal for lunch, but I eat! And that's enough. You're supposed to struggle in your 20's right? It builds character? Or at least makes you thinner, maybe?

Anyway all that living in a murk can be crazy sometimes, especially when you feel like you don't have control over your own life, but I know in my heart I'm where I'm supposed to be. 

picture via Lizzy Stewart I love her illustrations! That's how I feel most days at work.

Scratching The Itch

I've been having a serious desire to resurrect this blog lately. In reality it isn't so much a resurrection as a birthing. This suckers been in gestation for over 2 years! When I got to Disney I was so overwhelmed with full-time mousekateering and full-time school, keeping up a blog was laughable. 

I'm half embarrassed to blog. I mean who is going to read it? Does mean I'm self-centered? Who cares? I mean seriously... y'alls is creepy. Kidding. I read about 10 blogs regularly and I really enjoy them. I don't think I can bring to the table what they do: fashion and child-rearing and tutorials and top-notch top knots...Yet the itch to catalog my life comes back, almost every day.

So here we are. Who knows where this will take me and if I'll keep it up but I am here, and I will write. And maybe someone will listen. Creeps.

P.S. 

That is not a picture of my at age 10 but it sure could be. Baby Brad Pitt, you are officially the spirit animal of this blob.