Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Drop By Drop

I've got so many half written posts pending. I went to Chicago! Oh and almost 3 months ago, DC! I even took video of that one and the little clips have been taunting me ever since. Finding a spare minute to blog seems like a complete luxury these days. I know there are women out there with multiple children who work longer hours then I do and trudge on like nobodies business. Not just trudge, mind you, but thrive. I salute! I bow down!

Let me tell is just kicking my booty all over the place these days. And I can see it. I can see the stress in my little tummy pooch that refuses to budge, no matter how many salad lunches I have. I can see it in my eye bags and all the clothes that still don't fit. I can see it in my short temper and my scatter brain. And I can see it every single time I put a breast pump to my chest and come away with a little less then I need.

That's what is really on my mind right now. So much so that I can't help but write it down. I am not producing enough. My pride is hurting, my body is aching. The thought that my baby is hungry is a horrible one. We successfully nursed our entire week of vacation, and now 3 days back to the grind my supply has tanked. I've never been a fountain, but could get by with just exactly what she needed. She eats solids, but at 6 months she needs the calories in milk. My milk. And I love breastfeeding. It helps me feel close to her during the day as I pump and reconnect with her when I get home and in the morning. So bring on the lactation cookies, the oatmeal, the mothers milk tea, the power pumping! And yes, the formula. Although she can detect as little as an ounce in a full bottle and has to be starving before daring to partake even a mouthful.

In all of this though, I see how God is so merciful.

A good friend offered me her back storage of frozen milk before even knowing I was having supply issues.

Another wonderful friend baked me a stash of lactation cookies and hand delivered them to me.

Other mothers have reached out and encouraged me with by sharing own experiences.

My angel sister in law makes sure she is well cared for and nourished while I am away.

Echo is getting better at eating solids every day, and particularly loves healthy fat filled foods like hummus and avocado.

And above it all, she is hitting all her milestones and is such a joy. She almost never whines or cries outside of being tired, so I know she isn't starving to death. She smiles and kick kick kicks when she sees her mama or daddy, she drags her little body around and can't sit still, she laughs at the dog and blows crazy raspberries.

Its hard to write something like this and not feel like the biggest whiner and moper of all time. But I have found it truly depressing, not just frustrating but depressing. All that absent breast milk has leaked into my mood. As it drips into my mind, I find myself thinking in complaints instead of rejoicing over my blessings. Drops of it seem to cloud my mind as I look at other mothers who stay home with their children full time and have jealousy, instead of being thankful I have a job that provides for my family. I have been praying and holding my breath, waiting for it all to work out. And you know what? It always does. It always does and it always will. Its so easy to forget. It's easy to keep these things to ourselves and pretend like WE GOT THIS. But sometimes WE DON'T. But WE TRYIN. I'm trying. And I'll keep trying.

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30

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