Drop By Drop

I've got so many half written posts pending. I went to Chicago! Oh and almost 3 months ago, DC! I even took video of that one and the little clips have been taunting me ever since. Finding a spare minute to blog seems like a complete luxury these days. I know there are women out there with multiple children who work longer hours then I do and trudge on like nobodies business. Not just trudge, mind you, but thrive. I salute! I bow down!

Let me tell you...life is just kicking my booty all over the place these days. And I can see it. I can see the stress in my little tummy pooch that refuses to budge, no matter how many salad lunches I have. I can see it in my eye bags and all the clothes that still don't fit. I can see it in my short temper and my scatter brain. And I can see it every single time I put a breast pump to my chest and come away with a little less then I need.

That's what is really on my mind right now. So much so that I can't help but write it down. I am not producing enough. My pride is hurting, my body is aching. The thought that my baby is hungry is a horrible one. We successfully nursed our entire week of vacation, and now 3 days back to the grind my supply has tanked. I've never been a fountain, but could get by with just exactly what she needed. She eats solids, but at 6 months she needs the calories in milk. My milk. And I love breastfeeding. It helps me feel close to her during the day as I pump and reconnect with her when I get home and in the morning. So bring on the lactation cookies, the oatmeal, the mothers milk tea, the power pumping! And yes, the formula. Although she can detect as little as an ounce in a full bottle and has to be starving before daring to partake even a mouthful.

In all of this though, I see how God is so merciful.

A good friend offered me her back storage of frozen milk before even knowing I was having supply issues.

Another wonderful friend baked me a stash of lactation cookies and hand delivered them to me.

Other mothers have reached out and encouraged me with by sharing own experiences.

My angel sister in law makes sure she is well cared for and nourished while I am away.

Echo is getting better at eating solids every day, and particularly loves healthy fat filled foods like hummus and avocado.

And above it all, she is hitting all her milestones and is such a joy. She almost never whines or cries outside of being tired, so I know she isn't starving to death. She smiles and kick kick kicks when she sees her mama or daddy, she drags her little body around and can't sit still, she laughs at the dog and blows crazy raspberries.

Its hard to write something like this and not feel like the biggest whiner and moper of all time. But I have found it truly depressing, not just frustrating but depressing. All that absent breast milk has leaked into my mood. As it drips into my mind, I find myself thinking in complaints instead of rejoicing over my blessings. Drops of it seem to cloud my mind as I look at other mothers who stay home with their children full time and have jealousy, instead of being thankful I have a job that provides for my family. I have been praying and holding my breath, waiting for it all to work out. And you know what? It always does. It always does and it always will. Its so easy to forget. It's easy to keep these things to ourselves and pretend like WE GOT THIS. But sometimes WE DON'T. But WE TRYIN. I'm trying. And I'll keep trying.

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Matthew 11:28-30

Awkward and Awesome

Awkward

This is your brain:

This is your brain after having a baby:

I threw some pacis into a pot to sanitize them and.....forgot, I woke up last night to the acrid stench of burning plastic. Jared had caught them before I burnt the house down, and had all the windows I flung open.

I have been incredibly stressed lately. I hate to admit weakness, which is prideful. It's funny how much stress a child can bring even while being the light of your life. Echo herself is a joyful, happy, breezy baby. But finding child care, working to bring home the bacon, relying on your own body to pump milk to feed her, etc. has been getting to me lately. Jared and I are in the middle of a huge transitional period- not just going from 2 to 3 but going from student to graduate to stay at home dad to our quest for PA school. LE SIGH. Things are constantly changing and seem to be staying exactly the same at the same time. LIFE Y'ALL.  I've been seriously neglecting this blog bit again LIFE. 

AWESOME

I have the cutest baby eva. 

I'm going on VACATION. And I get to spend 7 whole days with her!!

Jared graduated with his business degree! 

GENTLEMAN, START YOUR ENGINES

Babies, man. Nothing revs me up these days more then motherhood and the wonder and awe of it all.

Echo crawled. She scooted. Yesterday she drug her tiny little body from one end of the blankie to the other in hot pursuit of Sophie Giraffe like an inchworm. She's just shy of 5 months, she'll be there Thursday. It makes me so proud! That little turkey waits for no man!
First attempt here. Within a few tries she was inchworming like a pro. Oh, and yes that sound...is my breast pump. Multitasking!

In other news, last year on cow appreciation day I was pregnant- this year I have my own sweet little calf.

ECHO AT 4 MONTHS

 CAN 

YOU

 EVEN

HANDLE THIS?

Echo loves her mama. We have many private inside jokes, me and E. For example, while I was taking these I had the thought of taking some pictures of her in the buff, like you do. I snapped a picture and looked to see a lava flow of poo pouring out of her. I respect my sweet baby too much to put those pictures up...but not enough not to tell on her on the internet apparently.

Echo's pastimes include lunging towards her Sophie Giraffe, putting her entire fist in her mouth, perfecting her "happy baby" pose, rolling over and never ever ever blinking.

She weighs in at a perfect 11.9 lbs and stands 2 feet tall! She's a pipsqueak and a cuddlebug and is universally adored.

SO LATELY

I feel like every single one of my days is exactly the same. I need to stretch my bloggy fingers and document even the seemingly mundane, because I know there are hidden memory treasures in there.

PAR EXEMPLE:

Let us travel back a moment to May 30. Echo at 3 months old cooing and having a jolly old time...until I broke her leg. Not really, but long story short we spent a good few hours in the hospital with Casper the Ghost down there who's leg popped out of the socket and then right back in.

June 3 we attended a crossing over ceremony for our little friend in the boy scouts. I was playing with a friends baby, the colossal Daxton, and stood right up and threw out my back. I was in pain that evening and the next day but good grief the night after that was RUFF. Having now experienced natural child birth I can fully say that intense back pain is right up there with the worst of it. I also think that after years and years and years of assuming I have a low pain tolerance and am a full fledged wimp....I think I might have been wrong. I think I may be a grin and bear it kind of girl after all. The things you learn about yourself. 

Anyway, I couldn't sit in a chair, sleep on my bed or walk. Jared was lifting me when I needed to stand and half carrying me from room to room. He dressed me and got me to the doctor. My wonderful Grammie let us camp out at her house for a few days, and my mother-in-law dropped everything in a moment to come and sit with Echo for over an hour in a parking lot. Family is the best! I am just now, 3 weeks later, getting back to my old self. The pain traveled from my back to my hips and legs and now I can feel it slowly dissipating. 

Jun 16 Echo turned 4 months old. One thing that is continually mind blowing is how quickly she learns and grasps concepts. I see her practicing something, concentrating so hard on the toy in front of her with her eyes crossed and brow scrunched, and then one day the little light bulb just goes off and she grabs that sucker! And puts it in her mouth and munches on it! Other updates include sucking on her toes all day long, laughing at kissy noises, loving books and being read to, and rolling over! On June 18 she rolled over and I swear it felt like your team just won the world series. I was on pins and needles watching her try and fail again and again to get over her shoulder and then she did! 

This little light of mine...