Jared has decided to switch his major. He is going to try his hand at engineering instead of business. This promises 4 more years of undergrad, a lot of stress, probably money, too, sleepless nights, calculus, hair pulling, and the rearranging of plans. Let me backtrack for a second.
This is a post I have written over and over in my head. I have written a line or two and deleted. I have 2 drafts with titles and nothing else. We made this decision together, and I am incredibly proud of him for doing it. I have debated on this post because it is so personal. It's certainly raw-we are still in the midst of all of it now- and very personal, but I also think that our situation isn't that uncommon, and I hope that it can help others out there that are struggling with major decisions in their lives.
I have pulled away from blogging in the past few months because it felt phony. How can I talk about all of these fun things with smiles plastered on our faces without acknowledging the struggles as well? It just felt wrong. No ones life is whole happy or wholly sad. Every day is different. We have had some great times this year, but the days have been laced with this decision weighing on our heads.
Jared is not what I would call a risk-taker. College is a journey for most people and unfortunately it has been a pretty miserable one for him. Over the last year and a half I have watched him struggle to find his place in academia. I have seen him at very very low points, overwhelmed with the thought of doing something he hated, but was totally willing to do for the greater good. I.E. what would bring the most security, comfort and support to me and our future family.
The Bird got sad. Really really sad. It would come and go with the change of semesters, but a huge weight was on his shoulders and there was no way to shake it off. We talked about the switch of majors last year, but in the end he decided to just trudge forward--switching majors would mean a huge load of new pre-reqs that we both were afraid of. We prayed and prayed and end the end I'm afraid we made the wrong decision. We tried to trust the Lord and listen to where he was telling us to go, but it was so scary to start from scratch! I felt strongly that I needed to be a strong support system for my husband in whatever his decision was. It's so hard to see your spouse struggle with depression. Sometimes I thought "Well, maybe it's me, maybe it's something I'm doing." Jared always has gone out of his way to make me feel loved, but the pressure was grating on both of us.
After another year of flat out misery, Jared started seeing a therapist and I started fasting and praying- a lot. His therapist is a great guy, and Jared would be happy to talk to anyone who feels like maybe they should talk to someone about the way they're feeling. He is the poster child of resistance to any kind of help like that but it truly has made a difference in his life; it gave him the courage to see that what he was feeling was way beyond normal levels of stress and anxiety, and that he was struggling with ADD as well.
Like I said--We are still in the middle of all this, and we won't know what will happen over the next few years. What I do know is that we have a little bit of peace now, and I am so happy for that. Its scary to make decisions, I'm glad that I can pray and recieve answers to my prayers. Its just up to Jared and I to remember that and hold strong to it...which isnt easy to do. We don't want any regrets, especially when its a fairly easy fix. I know that we all have a Savior that we can turn to in our trials and dark moments, and I feel so incredibly blessed that even a year later he was still waiting for us and ready to give us the courage we needed as a family.
Boyd K. Packer recieved the council from Harold B. Lee when he was asked to make a leap of faith:
"The trouble with you is you want to see the end from the beginning."
I replied that I would like to see at least a step or two ahead. Then came the lesson of a lifetime:
"You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you."
Then he quoted these eighteen words from the Book of Mormon: "Dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith."
We are trying to have the faith to walk to the edge of the light, I know this is a lesson we both need to learn. Here's to the next four years!
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