MY BIRTH STORY

2:55 am, February 15 I woke to a gush. Three days past my due date, my water broke. I was terrified and exhilarated all at once. I hobbled to the bathroom for a gigantic pad and sat wondering if I should wake up Jared? Call the midwife? Or wait for contractions before waking everyone up at this unholy hour. It took me about 2 minutes before I decided I had to tell SOMEONE. I called the midwife and she told me to keep her posted, but until my contractions started and were regular I should try and get some sleep. Jared was next. It took a few moments to hit him, and we both lay back down to try and rest. I knew I would never fall asleep so I asked him for a blessing.  I felt like I was 10 years old the night before a trip to Disney, jittery with nerves and excitement, all while uncontrollably peeing my pants. I laid awake for another hour and a half before getting up and going into the nursery. Being in the baby’s room calmed me down a little, and I felt a few aches in my low belly. I texted a few friends and relatives, letting them know what was going on, and finally fell asleep for three hours wondering whether my baby would be a girl or a boy and if I was actually ready for this.

I woke up to a steady stream of text messages- and no contractions.

Ten a.m. rolled around and my midwife called to check in. She asked me to come into the birth center to be checked and to discuss my options. Jared and I drove into Riverside and stopped for a bagel. We took a few laps around Riverside Park. The day was gorgeous. It reminded us of the day after we were married when we took the same walk around the park. We watched some tightrope walkers balance just a few feet off the ground and a bunch of kids and dogs run around in the field. Shea, my midwife, asked us to pick up some castor oil and we dutifully did so, then headed in. I was dilated to 3 and almost completely effaced, but the contractions just weren’t coming. A first time mom whose water breaks first often has this problem, she said. The text messages asking where our baby was kept rolling in and a castor oil shot with a milkshake chaser came next. We stopped for some lunch and about an hour later the castor oil hit me. Oh did it hit me. Seriously, only do that if you are in the direst of circumstance. We watched Princess Bride, I felt at some point that I myself was hooked up to that life draining machine, I tried (and failed) to nap, I bargained with every known God from my seat in the bathroom, and yet still no contractions.

Shea checked in and asked me to bring out the big guns- the breast pump. Of course it was still boxed up, unused but we had to give it a go. As I struggled to put the pieces together I started to cry. Would this baby ever come? At this point I was doubtful. Jared pulled up a YouTube video, we finished putting the pump together and I gave it a go. After about 30 minutes, a contraction! Pump, pump, pump – another. Now we were getting somewhere. For the next few hours my contractions came steadily. Jared checked in with his Bradley book and helped me try and relax through each one. At this point I was exhausted. I was running on fumes and still running to the bathroom every half hour or so. The text messages where’s the baby where’s the baby kept coming- I cursed them all. Jared and I walked down to the park and did a few laps. Each contraction felt so satisfying. We got back home and I began to fade. I was falling asleep and the contractions were slowing down. I sent Jared to bed, and I labored for a while on my own, falling asleep on the couch, waking up to contractions every few minutes. At 3 am Shea called us back to the birth center and checked me again. I had made some progress, so she sent us back home hopeful but we had a deadline now- I had to keep progressing or I would need to transfer to a hospital where they would give me Pitocin and get this show on the road.

A few people told me, as I approached and then passed my due date, that I wasn’t miserable enough. That’s why the baby hadn’t come yet. I had a fairly easy pregnancy, and I felt at peace with going over my due date. But this was misery. This labor limbo was misery. I was afraid of the Pitocin. I knew it would jeopardize the natural birth I was striving for. I was afraid of infection now that my water was broken. I was exhausted. I was still pregnant. I was pooping my brains out thanks to the castor oil. When we got home, Jared and I kneeled down and I prayed. I prayed for the safety of my baby, for peace of mind, and for some kind of miracle to get this thing going. I decided to pump again, as morning rolled around again. And this time it worked.

Jared and I headed back into the birth center, getting there at 11 am. These contractions were different. They were deeply intense and I had to stop and rest while walking in from the car. Shea was satisfied that I was finally out of the woods and on my way to having this baby. Give me two hours of strong steady contractions she said and you can get in the tub. Jared and I were laser focused now. I had to pace the room or sit in a firm chair between contractions. When one would start, Jared would hold me up in a slow dance, rocking me through and rubbing my back. It didn’t make the pain go away but it gave me such comfort just to be there in the crook of his neck as he reminded me to let the tension go. The time seemed to fly and to stretch. I have never felt so focused in my life. Finally, I climbed into the warm tub and floated there. Relaxation was instant and savored the weightlessness that made my contractions just a fraction more bearable.

About 30 minutes after getting into the tub my contractions intensified. I felt an insane amount of pressure and I felt my focus fracture. I felt feral. My body writhed with the contractions and all I could think of was running away. Running away from my body, from Jared, from the pain. But I couldn’t. There was a sign on the wall above my tub. You Are Brave. I stared at that sign and chanted it over and over in my head. Jared was being so sweet and handing me cold washcloths for my face and neck, and I wanted to kill him when he handed them to me all wadded up. PLEASE FOLD THEM FLAT PLEASE. The washcloth incident finally clicked in with my psycho brain that I was in transition. I remember telling Jared it was so hard and I couldn’t do it before my midwife came in to check on me. She told me as soon as I was feeling heavy pressure even between contractions she would check me. That was now I told her—right now. As I got out of the tub and walked to the bed, I knew this had to be it. And it was. I was at 9.5, so close.  I got back into the tub and I couldn’t help myself, my body was pushing this baby out.

Shea had me swivel my body towards her and brace my legs against the side of the tub. I pushed hard during my contractions, and felt them change. There were wide expanses between each one. Later Shea would tell me I was falling asleep between each one, but really I was just deep inside myself. I could feel my breathing, and I thanked my body and God for letting me rest. Everyone kept telling me what a great job I was doing and how I was almost there. I reached down and felt the baby’s soft head. It was unreal. I pushed and pushed but that head didn’t seem to move. I wanted my baby! After about 40 minutes of pushing I gave it one more insane push and a scream and felt the baby slip out all at once- from crowning to birth in one push. Jared says he remembers it in slow motion - all of a sudden there was a baby floating in the water. 1:55 pm. 

She handed my my bright eyed baby. It’s a boy! No It’s a girl! Sorry Echo, but you were a bit swollen down there! My girls eyes were wide open and her little tongue was going crazy. She barely cried. They tickled her back and she squawked a bit more. She had come out forehead first- occiput posterior, and I had pushed her out anyway. Head covered in black hair, gorgeous beyond belief even with a nice lump on her forehead from being squeezed. Jared cut her cord, and then held her while the midwives took care of me.  6 lbs 4 oz of pure joy. Echo Marie, you were so worth it.

39 WEEKS OF WEIRD

Forgive me an iPhone selfie.

Ok ok so before I get into this, no I am not begging for mercy at the seat of the pregnant fates yet. I hope this doesn't indicate that I am will be pregnant for forever aka 42 weeks, but only the child knows right? These things are just too hilarious/horrible not to put out into the universe. My body and the universe are totally conspiring against me. At week 39 I have:

- Outgrown all but  3 shirts that I own. I will THINK something fits, when all of a sudden I get a glimpse of myself in a mirror at a restaurant and it just.....it just doesn't fit :(

- Chipped my second tooth of this pregnancy!! Yes my friends, an ill fated piece of grilled chicken took the corner off of my back molar. -___-

- Been topless, in paper nail salon flip flops, no makeup and a maxi dress I folded down into a skirt in a Nordstrom dressing room while a nice Spanish lady rigged me up in the worlds largest nursing bra. I bought two, one for me, one for the baby's bassinette.

- On the tail end of a cold now, last week I had severe coughing fits that led my to peeing my pants and vomiting all at the same time.

Looking back on my pregnancy, its funny how many little quirks I ignored that were definitely pregnancy induced. When people asked me if I was having cravings or noticed any other changes I always laughed it off and said no way not me. Now I realize that my epic 3 hour first trimester naps, and 24-hr desire for bagels, cream cheese, vanilla coke and whole milk was not just a day in a life. I mean, I once realized we only had skim milk left, so I added a dash of half-n-half to my glass out of desperation. Not the same btw, ugh.

Lately I've been getting the nesting questions, and I imagined myself turning into a whirling dervish Tasmanian devil hybrid scrubbing my floors at 3 am, which hasn't happened. But then, I look around and I am constantly laundrying, dishwashing, the nursery is together, the floors are clean  and as I am wrestling down the dog trying to make sure he is well manicured, and attempting to change lightbulbs on a creaky chair at 9 months pregnant, it suddenly dawns on me that "huh- maybe this IS nesting."

All that said, I am not miserable, but I am ready to meet my baby. Pink and fair or olive skinned? Boy or girl? Tiny or chunkster? Just a matter of days til we meet :)

Jared's been toting his Natural Childbirth: The Bradley Way book everywhere. Thinking of him trying to subtly read in the library while trying to shield from his neighbors the full page photo of a grimacing woman crowing is hilarious to me.

38 WEEKS: WAITING

Today I cried watching a video of a cockatiel whistle along to its owner playing the Totoro theme on piano. This led me down the path of watching many cockatiels serenade babies, adults, stuffed animals and all other sorts with their renditions of the Andy Griffith theme song or whatever. And every time I just chuckle and cry and shake my head at what a weird weird time in your life pregnancy is.

The baby feels not quite done yet. Or maybe I'm not quite ready for it to be done? This pregnancy has been a huge blessing in my life. I've been well, my body has been strong, and I really do feel like I was made for this. Its flown by, and most of the time it's been a breeze.

That said, I was placed on modified bed rest last week and sent to work from home until Hurricane Alexander makes his or her debut. There have been many jugs filled with pee and I am using my borrowed blood pressure cuff on the daily. Everything is good so far, but I still have to take precautions. That's the hardest part, the waiting. You get good news, but then you wait some more. You wait for your blood pressure to go up or down, or your protein count to change, or maybe even your water to break and a baby to come and solve all the problems on its own. And maybe there isn't really any problem at all, and really there probably isn't, but you gotta take the precautions because like: a baby! So you take your blood pressure again, and resist the urge to clean the whole house like a living freight train because of bed rest or whatever.

So for now I will do my work, and watch my cockatiel videos, and feel content with waiting.

A PICTURE SAYS

I struggled to decide if I would take maternity pictures. We've all wiped away tears laughing at horrible pregnancy pics on the internet. I knew myself well enough to realize I wasn't about to hold any heart hands over my navel, or immortalize Jared smooching my bare belly, but for some reason I couldn't put the idea of documenting this time in our lives to rest.

Amanda Lenhardt was there for our engagement and wedding, and it seems fitting that shoot number 3 celebrates Jared and I's third year of marriage as well as upping the JKAlexander headcount to 3.It also explains the number of chin's I currently have ;)

I've felt safe, sure, peaceful, loved, and cared for for most of this pregnancy. I've also felt anxiety, fear, and self-doubt. I 'm trying to focus on those good feelings right now, zero in on the peace and let everything else just flow over me. I feel warmth and love when I look at these pictures, which is something I hope I never forget.

Pretty dreamy right?

Part of me will miss this little family

. 

35 WEEKS: REAL TALK

By nature, I am a gossip, a drama queen and a know-it-all, although I wouldn't necessarily label myself a complainer. That said, I feel like 34 weeks was when my eyes were truly opened to pregnancy and how weird and uncomfortable it can really be.

Even now, I feel good! I feel healthy and well and I can sleep through the night. My heart goes out to ladies who struggle through all 40 weeks of this epic journey.

But seriously. I have gained 40 lbs. I feel a deep achey tiredness in my body most of the time. If I take a nap during the day, I can't fall asleep at night, but if I allow myself I can clock in like 12 hrs of hard sleep. I feel moody and crave sugar like no ones business. Thus the 40 lbs. Tums are my best friend and constant companion. I think my dog could use my giant bra as a hammock if he was smart enough to rig it up. I have been told to by my midwife to drink around 110 oz of water a day, so if you need me - I'm in the bathroom. In fact today I am on strict orders to save every drop of urine in a big orange jug for testing purposes.

I taught singing time in Primary last Sunday. My mother-in-law gave me a fantastic game idea; A child sits in a desk chair and I spin them, their legs point to papers on the ground which chooses the next song. It was a serious hit - try it sometime- and by the end I was sweating like a pig. A big pregnant pig. Things like this continue to surprise me. Walking the dog to the park and playing fetch, taking the stairs, struggling to keep up with the group as we mosey through somewhere. I've never been an athlete but geeze I am worn out!

There is a baby butt squarely pressing against my ribs most of the day. I do not feel all that attractive. If you see a sliver of my belly showing below my shirt, please forgive me I just simply can't be bothered anymore.

All that said- 5 weeks to go! I can do this! I can even enjoy this. See you soon, Baby Bird!

ONCE THERE WAS A SNOWMAN: AWKWARD AND AWESOME

AWESOME

Friends, its that time again where we deck the halls for the yuletide season and dress up like pregnant snowmen.

Because I am in a giving mood, I grant you permission to use these free printable collectors edition Gilligan Alexander Christmas ornaments! Just click through and print to your hearts content.

A very lucky couple was gifted with these at our white elephant party. I myself came home with several adult diapers and post-natal elephantine period pads. It was almost sad how thrilled I was to receive them. Pregnant lady problems.

SERIAL! Are you losing your mind over Serial? The last ep came out today. Jared and I are fully hooked. It's a nice change of pace from our usual mindless movie watching.

Last but not least - HOLY 56 DAYS?! Officially 8 months pregnant! Also, PS my placenta is in the clear - no previa- so I am all good for the labor I have been planning on. What a relief.

AWKWARD

Having way too much fun with the FaceJuggler app. Sonny Bono, is that you?

I ran out of Natural Calm this week and no amount of synthetic Thunderstorm app sounds can take its place. The night rage, she commeth.

Also my boobs are taking over my life, but that is for another day.

THE LITTLE SAINT NICK

Jared is a-brimming with Christmas cheer. He single-handedly lit the bushes in front of our apartment, taking great lengths to get full coverage. He picked out, strapped to the car and hauled home a lush Christmas tree, lighting that puppy up quick as can be.

I added a red nose to our deer pic.

I have still been feeling good, doing well, physically. Emotionally I feel like a PMSing 15 yr old some days, and a sage old mother of the Earth type on others. Sometimes a pregnant lady has got to weep, you know? It really is slightly ridiculous, but it is truth.

The idea of the baby coming in 2 months is super abstract to me. Its a really hard thing to wrap my brain around. What will it look like? Will I bond immediately? Will it take me some time? Is it a boy or a girl? What will we name it? Will Jared run off with Gilligan and join the circus after a week of non-stop crying? Or will I? I wouldn't describe these thoughts as plaguing, or even stressful, but they are definitely very present. Its such a weird mystic time in my life. I feel my body and the baby's body changing every day. It amazes me.

So yes, I am grateful for my personal Bird-Claus bringing the holiday cheer into our home this year. He's got all the ingredients ready for cinnamon bun popcorn and all I've got to do is eat it.

P.S. Here are a few pictures of Baby Kip and Baby J. There is a strong possibility of a very bald, jolly, fat cheeked baby in our future.

30 WEEK REPORT

Here I am at 7 1/2 months. Large and in charge. I feel like I waited (and wanted) to look truly pregnant for so long and then blam-o, it happened all at once.

Yesterday I had my second ultrasound to determine if my low lying placenta had giddy-upped and gotten out of the way. Still waiting to hear the verdict there, but the baby was being a total diva and kicking like a nut and would not give a decent profile shot. My anterior placenta is a nice cushion protecting me from this kid's one person mosh-pit at club womb. So instead we have creepy skull face!

Creepier still when paired with the ultrasound tech's well-meant caption. Collective eye-roll. I did see the baby's mouth puckering, opening, and closing, which was very endearing to behold. There is an air of mystery about this child. I feel that, in personality, I very well may be carrying a 3.7 lb Jared Jr. The baby is mostly active during the day, squirming and bumping about. In the evenings I feel pressure like its settling in down there and really spreading out for comfort, but luckily not too many late night jabs to the ribs or anything.

Seriously, these captions!

While in my OBGYN's office waiting for my scan, I kind of felt like I was part of a herd of other pregnant ladies. The 40 minute wait and no-nonsense, down to business atmosphere made me feel particularly blessed to have the pre-natal experience at Birth Center of Jacksonville. I have seriously never waited for more then 10 minutes, and I feel at home there.

My mother in law and I tackled Babies R Us and showed it the what for, and I've started collecting a few little outfits here and there. Researching for the registry was one of the most fulfilling things ever. Oh the lists! Oh the reviews! Oh the comparison shopping! I gobbled it up. Lucies List really really helped me narrow things down. Love this site!

The third trimester feels very different. I still feel very peaceful and calm anticipating the birth and meeting my baby, but my bones and muscles ache. My back is stiff. My clothes don't fit. I just feel PREGNANT. I have found serenity in one form: Natural Calm. Seriously people of the world, get on this train pregnant or not. Its a magnesium supplement taken with water in the evening. It helps me relax and fall asleep, has completely banished my leg cramps, and I know it to be true. Amen. I like the orange and cherry flavors best.

It's actually not so much the birthing that scares me, but the breast feeding and bringing home. My beloved Grammie will be staying the first few nights with us, which gives me intense relief, and I am trying not to get too wound up. To be honest, there are so many baby-freaks on either side of my family, this kid will probably be swept from me except for feeding minutes after the birth ;). It's nice to feel that love. We shall survive!

HAPPINESS

The universe has been a sort of hectic place the last few months. There has been death, unexpected and expected, both difficult and tragic in their own ways. Traveling and working late nights. The winding down of the semester for Jared, which indicates a winding up of stress. Sickness, aches, pains, sleeplessness. Its enough to bring a girl down.

And yet, for the most part, I feel so good and so grateful. I keep singing the Mister Rogers song to myself. It's such a good feeling to know you're alive. So here, in November, are some things that are making me happy.

9 Mannings, 4 Orels, 3 1/2 Alexanders went camping and had a jolly old time, no sleep really at all, and an excess of smores. Gilligan found his happy place. And 6 ticks. 

My brother Joel came home from his mission! Joel is such a special person, and I admire him so much. He is loyal, steadfast, quiet, thoughtful, patient, dedicated, hardworking, gentle, strong, loving, and handsome to boot!. I am so glad he is home. 

I am nearly 7 months pregnant. 1 more day.

Baby is head down and squiggling around like a champ. And I get to have a delicious breakfast for my glucose test instead of chugging that gross stuff everyone complains about. Pregnant ladies of the world, educate yourself. 

My back and legs have started to ache, and at times I do get a little weary, but I still feel like me. I feel really good. Still no real feeling as to gender. Every time I think "Oh come on, this has got to be a boy." A sneaky little thought cries GIRL in my brain. 3 months until all is revealed. 

Bradley classes are going really well. I may gripe about sitting on the floor for 2+ hours every Monday, but the information I get there is really so interesting and makes me feel much more prepared. Understanding what is happening in your body and the different internal and external, medical or otherwise, tools used in birth is very empowering. 

What's making you happy these days?

AWKWARD AND AWESOME: LOVE VINCENT AND FRIDA

AWKWARD

A bad cold that just won't quit. I can only really breathe if I sit cross-legged on the floor, a boon to the Bradley Method but horrible when your feet fall asleep 10 minutes in. Side note, I was googling the term "tailor sitting" and found this hilarious piece of clip art. I feel you, sister. Although that is more of a butterfly...

via 

Anyway, at this point, every time I sneeze and don't immediately pee my pants I feel a certain sense of victory.

Every one of my meals yesterday was different forms of pasta. I am so sorry, little baby.

AWESOME

We rallied and pulled together some pretty sweet Halloween costumes!

And- Jared won the church chili cook-off!

Not to brag, but that crockpot was scraped clean, y'all! We originally started with my dear Pioneer Woman's recipe, and have perfected it to Alexander taste. We usually always double this recipe because the soup just gets better the day after, and freezes/thaws like a dream, but the below would easily feed 6 people. We will definitely be stock piling this before Baby Alexander's arrival. I highly recommend serving with tortilla chips, cheese, and sour cream. Avocado and lime if you fancy.

Jared's Blue Ribbon Chicken Chili

1 whole rotisserie chicken
olive oil
3 tsp cumin
2 tsp chili powder
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp salt
1 cup diced onion
3 minced garlic cloves
2 cans Rotel
32 oz chicken broth
3 tblspoons tomato paste
1 can black beans, drained
1 can kidney beans, drained
1 can corn, drained
3 tblspoons corn meal + 1/4 cup warm water

Mix together your spices. Shred your chicken and mix in about 1/2 your spices, set aside. 

Heat oil and sauté onion, garlic and the rest of your spices until onions are translucent. Add chicken, scrape the bottom of the pan and stir to combine.

Add chicken broth, rotel, tomato paste, and beans. Stir to combine. 

In a separate dish, mix corn meal and warm water together until dissolved- no clumps! Mix this slurry into the pot until all is combined.  Bring pot to a boil, then drop to a simmer for 45 minutes uncovered. Dip it low, then bring it up slow, pop pop pop that thang....sorry I digress. 

Add corn, taste for seasoning. 

At this point you are good to eat it! However, if you can rest this stuff in the pot on the lowest setting for awhile and let all the flavors marry, that would be great too!

LAS VEGAS

I was lucky enough to spend 4 days working in Vegas for a conference, and to stay in a hotel that looked and smelled a lot like Kim Kardashian. Actually I really hope Kim doesn't smell like the Delano, which as soon as you walk across the threshold hits you with a blast of thick sweet perfume. It haunts me even now. But odds are that in one of her and Kanye's palatial estates there is a giant wall sized leather headboard.

I always like traveling for work, stretching my legs and getting out of the office. It's one of my favorite parts of my job.

I also love when my destination coincides with people I love. It's funny how some people just stick. I've known Kelly for 12 years. 12 years! We got to see Beatles Love together and eat a meal which consisted of copious amounts of butter in various, delicious forms. Little did I know that I really need matre d'hotel butter with every meal. Oh, and I had her eat her first gastropod and delivered her first taste of Cafe Rio sweet pork and horchata. Oh sweet pork, how I love thee. Let me count the ways. And then there I was talking to her four year old about nurser sharks and complimenting her two years olds sunglasses, and comparing due dates (1 week apart.) Life moves pretty fast, man.

Speaking of le bebe, at 24 weeks I find myself out of breath when I walk quickly or get excited talking about something. The fact that there are 12 inches and a little over a pound of kid inside of me is mind boggling. Oh! And I bought a few gender neutral onezies! And I think we even figured out Halloween costumes! Look at me! Progressing!

A few weird things I would like to remember about this trip:

- Going through security in JAX I was pulled aside for two items: canned dry shampoo and a 6 inch pair of scissors I had forgotten in my purse. How do you forget a 6 inch pair of scissors in your purse? You're Kipin Alexander and almost 6 months pregnant that is how. ANYWAY. Guess which one they let me keep? You're right! The scissors!

-It took me 10 minutes to walk from my room to the conference I was attending...and it was all housed in the same building! The joint was huge.

- I ordered room service one night and the guy who delivered it looked JUST like David Carradine. Then he dropped my macaroni all over the floor and smashed the plate to pieces. His Kung fu doppleganger would nay have been proud.

- I had to take out some money from an ATM and the only one around was in the casino. They required picture ID, confirmation of address and a FINGERPRINT....in blood. Just kidding. But seriously Kelly and I were in sweats and glasses and scraggly hair at 10 pm standing in the middle of a casino getting fingerprinted next to the Lone Wolf slot machines. Memories....

- The woman I sat next to on the plane home was wacked out of her mind. She kept waking suddenly and asking me if it was time to get off the plane, drinking tiny cups of coffee and insisting on taking every cream on the cart, accusing other passengers of stealing her iPhone...which she then found on the floor under her seat, watching the movie I was watching, over my shoulder with no headphones and then asking me what they were saying. The list goes on.

- And can I brag for a second? I missed my weekly birth class - and Jared braved it alone! 2.5 hours of Bradley all by his lonesome. It takes a good man.

GREETINGS FROM 22 WEEKS

Some updates on myself and Baby Alexander. It's long y'all, I should probably do this more often:

- I finally look pregnant! Though, if you didnt know me pre pregnancy theres a good chance you think I have a stout little beer belly, or am just chubby as all heck if I'm not wearing form fitting clothes. Most of my clothes still fit well, with a belly band or a rubber band helping me along. Up there is me at 6 weeks and then at 20 weeks. I'm a tiny bit rounder now.

- Around 20 weeks I felt the baby kick and move. Jared felt it the other day. I have an anterior placenta which means a lot of it is a bit muffled and feels really low- so hands off everyone else. It feels just like you think it would- a squirmy little alien feeling, repeatedly probing and poking you in the low gut.

- Still feeling great, though I do get afternoon headaches. I find that if I drink something caffeinated mid-day, I can avoid it. I figure a small coca-cola is better then a daily dose of Tylenol. Any opinions out there on this? Its been happening since about 15 weeks. I have gone back and forth on the solution, as caffeine gives me jitters, but this article kinda tripped me out a bit. :/ I'm also trying to up my protein and water intake. 

- Speaking of water, lest I forget and go crazy and drink it ice cold - heartburn. How about room temp? Oh yes, more heartburn please. Water must be chilled, yet not iced, and sipped s l o w l y over an hour or so to avoid wakening a hell fire in my chest and throat. 

- Overall, I really enjoy being pregnant. My diet has really affected the way I feel on a daily basis. This child did not appreciate the pop tart I scarfed down the other day. I feel best when I eat a good amount of protein with each meal, and avoid too many raw veggies which tend to be hard on my stomach these days. 

- Clocking roughly 20 bathroom breaks a day.

- I have to go in for a second ultrasound, which we weren't planning to do. Baby Alex is totally fine but my placenta is riding a little low. At 28 weeks they'll take another peek and make sure that everything is in its proper place. As my friend Danielle said "That placenta best behave and make like a hunter gatherer and migrate!" I can't say that I'm not excited to get another look at whoever's in there!

- Jared and I are still throwing around baby names. This kid won't have a hard and fast name until I look into that little face, Jared and I play rock paper scissors and I finally get a testimony of the one true name. In all seriousness I find talking about names super entertaining. I've been collecting names for years, and I've got a list on my iPhone an inch long. 

- I have started craving alone time. I am generally a very social person, and prefer to be out and about. Lately I have been super content to just relax at home reading or catching up on Mad Men. Maybe this is a realization that my days of quiet book reading are numbered. 

- The other theory is this: I have always had a temper but these days it's been hard for me to hold my tongue. I call it my pregnancy rage. I can literally feel my blood boiling some times and it takes me a half hour or so of deep breathing to calm the heck down. It doesn't happen every day, and little annoyances I can still breeze past, but certain things hit a nerve!. SO maybe I am craving isolation so I don't bite anyone's head off? Apologies in advance! If you see me doing deep breathing activities and looking a little flushed, you'll know whats up haha. This article explained it perfectly. I love this quote:

"Just like pregnancy crying, pregnancy rage is an unexpected and extremely disproportional reaction to whatever is going on in real life. Often times, it’s an out-of-body experience where you hover over yourself as you slip into unadulterated lunacy."

- On the flip slide, a lot of the fretting I was doing in the first trimester is gone. Overall I would say I am less stressed about little things. I was beating myself up a lot about the fact that I wasn't going to be a stay at home mom, and really stressing about who would watch the baby, if I would get enough time with it, did this make me a bad mom, etc. I'm sure these fears may resurface later or once the baby is actually here, but for now I take comfort in my family support and I know that everything will work out. Jared has also help me feel more confident about our decisions, and having someone like him I can put my complete trust in has eased my fears. 

- I've also gotten more excited about the possibility of this baby being a girl. The idea of a daughter has always been super daunting to me, but I've been doing some soul searching and gotten a real feeling of peace around the gender. Still no clue what this baby may be, but I can honestly say I will be thrilled either way. 

- We started our Bradley classes last week. Its pretty interesting stuff and I'm excited to give everyone a review once we get through the entire course. But real talk: 2.5 hours a class is a loooong time y'all.

- I feel an increased awareness of my weaknesses. I don't mean this in a disheartening way. There is definitely an aspect of "Oh crap" here as I recognize how much I gossip, how many swear words slip out as I slam on the breaks in traffic, how often I have to grab gas on the sabbath or indulge in a questionable movie or TV show. I want to be better for this baby. Its so so hard. But I want to be better. 

- Still haven't bought one dang thing! I just really haven't felt the urge to shop. However I am on the hunt for a perfect little red beanie. Holler if you see one!

- Blanking on Halloween Costumes this year. Halloween is my favorite holiday, but I feel like this one will be pretty low key for us.

- February seems so far away and also...tomorrow. 

FIRST TIMER

Eighteen weeks and four days. Four and a half months. So far things have been still and peaceful and mostly serene. I was barely sick, my cravings and other symptoms have been supremely mild. Pass the vanilla coke and bagels with cream cheese! For this I am grateful. I see myself as a mother in a very abstract way to this little flicker of life inside of me. All I know of it is it's drumbeat heart I've heard twice now, quick and strong, and a little peek at that sweet profile. That baby was moving and shaking this morning making it almost impossible for the tech to take a really clear picture, but it was so amazing to watch. The life in me is special and I feel a strong allegiance to it. I feel the need to do my very best for that tiny dancer.

Jared and I chose early on not to find out the gender of the baby. This is mainly for fun. There are precious few mysteries in life, and I have always loved a happy surprise. The anticipation brings me pleasure in a way I can't really describe. Not knowing hasn't been a burden, and I don't expect it will be. It is just for me and Jared, and that feels just right. On seeing the baby Jared feels like its a boy - and I still have no clue! Any guesses?

I am also choosing to do the best I can to plan for and strive to complete a natural birth, in the care of midwives at a birthing center. Once Baby became a reality, I started researching, pondering and praying ardently for confirmation that this was the right choice for my family. Don't be a hero was my early mantra. I don't have anything to prove. But when I think of my birth plan I am filled with hope, positive thoughts, light, warm feelings, the buzzing of nerves, peace and strength. Jared has been totally and completely on board since day one and has similar thoughts and feelings. I find this process endlessly fascinating. If you ever want to talk the wonder of the human body with me, I will marvel with you all the day long. Each piece of the puzzle fits so perfectly. And when family or close friends question me in a loving way, or even rib me, I can take it! In fact I love a good friendly tease, that's one of my personal calling cards.

But let me tell you what usually happens when you're a first timer. People hold the mystery of children - from birth to breastfeeding to education and beyond - over you like a weapon, pretending that they have the answers. That is something I can not abide. When people cackle at my decision, treat me like a silly child and proceed to tell me the news that childbirth is painful, I can't help but get angry. What is this urge we have to burst a bubble when we see one? What is this desire to rain on parades? There is a way to give  loving advice, to share your experience out of true concern, to be positive and supportive of a choice you wouldn't make for yourself. But it's always been easier to accept fear I suppose.

So maybe I will be a hero. Maybe I will be my body's champion. Perhaps I will listen to what it is whispering, and at the end, screaming to me. Because I know it will scream. But still, I think I will carry on. I know I will, because no one else is going to do it for me. People are drawn towards negativity. I certainly am. But how much happier we are when we trust ourselves. We don't always get an explanation attached to the answer to our prayers and our meditation, but we do get answers. Especially when we allow ourselves to be positive and have hope. No matter what happens, that is what I cling to. This baby will come out: in water, on land, in a birth center, in a hospital, with an epidural or with the help of a surgeons deft hands.  I am confident in my path. I feel strong and capable. I share my decisions because I have no shame in them. I pray that at the end of the journey there will be no callous "I told you so" moments. No matter what happens, I will still be a mother, and Baby will still be my baby. And no one can take that away.